The Shinobi's Guide to Drama
by Kaori
Summary: Konoha is hosting a festival in honor of the Daimyo's birthday. Our unfortunate rookies have been ordered to put on a play by Tsunade. Fourth Guide
1. Chapter 1

This fic is dedicated to: all yinna who was in love, but hate to remember; the depraved masses; college students with one year to go and no brain cells left; and the peanut gallery.

The Shinobi's Guide to Drama  
By Kaori

"I thought we were safe when we went three months without anything completely absurd happening." Said Neji as he surveyed a small sheet of paper with distaste. What was that saying? "Don't kill the messenger" or something like that? He was seriously considering doing it anyway. "Why us?"

"Why not us?" shrugged TenTen. "Think about it. Konoha is hosting the Daimyo's birthday party all we're being asked to do is help put on a play."

"We're shinobi, not actors."

"Being shinobi sometimes requires some acting. Besides, who says we had to do any acting?" the kunoichi pointed out. "Our mission directive says that we help. We could be doing the costumes, props, or just working the curtain and lights."

"I still don't like it." Muttered Neji. TenTen gave an exasperated sigh.

"Is there anything you_ do_ like?" Neji muttered something that sounded suspiciously like "torturing Lee and annoying Uchiha".

"Neji…"

"Let's just go."

Now many of you were wondering why Lee has not added his two cents and a nickel to this little exchange or why Gai isn't chiding Neji for his "un-youthful" attitude. You see Gai and his Mini-me are out on a special training journey at the moment (courtesy of Tsunade who didn't want them anywhere near the village for fear of utterly horrifying the Daimyo) and probably won't be returning until long after the festival is over. So let's forget about those two for the time being and skip over to the Hokage's office.

"Tsunade-sama, why are you doing this? Wouldn't it be much simpler to hire actors?" Shizune asked.

"I would think it's obvious why I'm doing this."

"You gambled away almost all of the money in the entertainment budget and used the rest to drink yourself into a stupor when you realized what you'd done." Was the flat response.

"You needn't have put it quite that bluntly, Shizune." The younger medic-nin sighed and rolled her eyes. They wanted this woman to be Hokage, why?

"I'm probably going to regret asking but what play are they going to be performing?"

"I have absolutely no idea. I decided to let the actors decide what they were going to perform."

"Excuse me Tsunade-sama I'm going home to hide under my bed."

Sakura was excited. A festival in honor of the Daimyo's birthday was going to be held in Konoha and not only was she invited to the party, but she would be performing in front of the Daimyo himself! She let out a high-pitched squeal of joy causing several people in the restaurant to look at her oddly. Her companions were not as enthusiastic as she was. Obviously their pink-haired friend had not been paying attention during their last so-called B-class mission. Never mind the fiasco that was their vacation.

"The second someone tries to get me into a dress I'm going to run off and become a nukenin." Vowed Sasuke. Sakura didn't seem to hear him but Naruto certainly did.

"You know you liked it."

Ten minutes later Sakura noticed they were fighting but it was much too late and all three of them were kicked out of the restaurant.

"See, this is why I said we should go out for ramen." Pouted Naruto. "Ichiraku-han never kicks us out."

"That's because if he ever did he'd go broke." Sasuke muttered, peevishly. "Anyway be grateful because I was just about to hand you your ass."

"Ha! That's what you think Sasuke-teme!"

Sakura toned the two of them out in favour of grandiose dreams of stardom.

All over Konoha, the village people (Y.M.C.A! snicker sorry I couldn't resist) were talking excitedly about how grand this festival was going to be, who had been invited, who shouldn't have been coughNarutocough, and the performance being put on by the rookies. A certain group of jounins was taking bets on how long it would take before the play turned into a complete ignominy and how long Gai and his student would be crying over missing the festival.

If anybody had been paying attention at all, they would have noticed the strange absence of any rats in the village during the days leading up to and the day of the festival.

All the world's a stage and Konoha is standing on the trap door to chaos.

And thus it begins? What kind of play will the twelve disciples put on for the Daimyo? Is Shizune really going to hide under her bed? Stick around! The circus is just beginning!


	2. Chapter 2

Say it out loud! I'm otaku and proud!

The Shinobi's Guide to Drama

By Kaori

"I worry about the future of Konoha." Shikamaru said solemnly. "With Tsunade in charge things have become more troublesome than ever."

"What would you know about trouble, you're only fourteen." Scoffed Ino, loftily. The chuunin was about to point out that so was she but thought better of it.

"At least we have some consolation of being allowed to pick the play." Shrugged Sakura, trying to put things in a good light; she was thwarted by Neji.

"That's like giving a condemned man a choice between being hanged or being drowned."

"Geez you're morbid."

"You would be too if…" the standard "my father was killed to protect the accursed Main House" rant was cut short by the entrance of Uzumaki Naruto (thank Kami-sama).

"I have a plan!" he announced.

"Oh? This doesn't have anything to do with ramen, does it?" mocked Sasuke.

"No! It's for the play you ass!" Naruto yelled and shook his fist at the Uchiha. "We should do a play about Konoha only we make fun of everybody. After all, we might as well enjoy ourselves if they're gonna make us do this anyway, right?"

The others mulled it over.

"I'm in." smirked Kiba and Akamaru barked his agreement. "I say we make them regret ever thinking of making us do this stupid play."

"Heh, for once I agree with the idiots." Sasuke smirked, earning him glares from Naruto and Kiba who knew he meant them and both secretly planned revenge.

"Hell yeah! If Sasuke-kun's doing it then so am I!" cheered Ino.

"You won't show me up Ino-pig! I'm in too!" hollered Sakura. Shikamaru sighed.

"It's not like we have any other options open to us. Besides Ino will yell at me if I don't and headaches are far too troublesome so I guess I'm in."

"Me too." Grunted Chouji. Shino nodded, the only indication that he was agreeing to any of this.

"My orders are to…help." Neji had an evil grin on his face. "I intend to complete this mission."

"Oh boy…" TenTen sighed. "I suppose I'll go along with it too. What about you, Hinata?"

"A…anou…I'll help t…too." Whispered Hinata giving in to the overwhelming force that is peer pressure and not wanting to be left out, especially since this plan was conceived by her crush. Naruto frightened everyone with his absolutely diabolical expression (especially Kiba and Akamaru who had seen it before).

"Eeeexcellent…." The jinchuuriki said and for good measure he added a "Kukukuku" a la Orochimaru. "Woah… Ero-sannin's right, that is fun." The others facefaulted; clearly Uzumaki is mad; brilliant in his own mischievous way, but utterly mad. Shikamaru broke the tension by suggesting that they assign some tasks.

Naruto, Sakura, Neji and Sasuke were to go to the archives and dig up what they could on the people they were going to be portraying and then talk to people to learn everything else. Seeing as how their current knowledge of their intended targets was missing a few details it could only help them, after all one can't accurately make fun of someone without knowing some details about them.

While they were doing that, Ino, Hinata, and TenTen were to scope out the local stores and see what prices they could get on cloth. They were on a tight budget as Tsunade couldn't give them anything to buy the things they needed and the would-be actors had to use their own money. Fortunately, with Hinata, Neji, and Sasuke contributing they wouldn't have to resort to second-hand stores and drapery but they couldn't splurge either.

Kiba, Shino, Chouji, and Shikamaru were going to look for props. Jokingly, Kiba suggested they raid Kakashi's apartment as he'd heard Kurenai say he had all sorts of costumes and accessories in there. Team 7 collectively glared at him and Hinata turned bright red. There were rumours all over the village about the copy-nin's little ecchi toy box.

"They're up to something." Said Iruka.

"According to you, they're always up to something." Asuma said absently. They were in a restaurant having lunch with Kakashi and Kurenai and had been discussing the current academy students which ultimately led to a discussion on the Rookie Nine.

"And whenever he brings it up he's usually right." Kurenai pointed out.

"Woman's intuition?" Kakashi quipped.

"Haha." Iruka said, dryly. "It might interest you to know that Tsunade is making them do a play."

"So?" Asuma and Kakashi still weren't properly concerned, so Iruka had to elaborate.

"Konohamaru and his friends tell me that was all she told them. Apparently the content is up to their discretion." Silence reigned as the jounins looked at Iruka and then at each other.

"I think I'll join Shizune under her bed." Said Kurenai.

"I'll come too." Kakashi leered.

"Get your own hiding space."

"Maa, you're no fun Kurenai. Iruka, mind if I hide at your place?"

"Yes." Smirked Iruka.

"Damn you all." Kakashi half-heartedly swore. "Ne, Asuma, you don't seem too worried."

"That's because I haven't done anything to be ashamed of."

"What about…" Iruka started.

"I seriously doubt they'd find out about _that_."

Elsewhere…

"You're kidding!" Sakura gaped.

"Heh, if only I was that good of a liar!" chuckled Hachiko. As much as Sakura didn't like the hookah smoking old woman, she was the only person Sakura knew that had any dirt on Asuma worth using.

Back with Iruka and the jounins, Asuma suddenly shivered.

"Ugh, I think a cockroach just walked over my grave…" he glanced out the window, nervously. "I think I'll go hide after all."

What did Sakura find out about Asuma? What other dirt will be dished on the stage? Who will be portraying who and will this story really end up being ten chapters long? Watch de ride mah yute!


	3. Chapter 3

Naruto Ondo is quite possibly the most fun song in the entire collection! Naruto, Sakura, and Shikamaru singing, hehehe… Datteba-Datteba-Dattebayo! Hmm… I might use it for the opening if I can ever find a translation. Hell I might do it anyway…

The Shinobi's Guide to Drama  
By Kaori

Nobody likes having the ANBU sent after them but when you're hiding under someone's bed instead of helping with preparations like the Hokage ordered you to you should expect the ANBU…or Iruka but he was busy helping like a good little chuunin.

"Now…" Tsunade said slowly, eyeing Kakashi, Kurenai, and Asuma critically. "I expect this sort of thing from rookie gennins, not seasoned jounins like you two. Was there any particular reason why you were all hiding under Konohamaru's bed?"

"We didn't think you'd look there?" offered Kakashi. The Hokage snorted; she should've expected that answer especially since it wasn't the one she wanted. Although, to be fair, it did take the ANBU two hours to find them.

"Try again Hatake, and this time tell me what I want to hear."

"Umm… I plead the fifth."

"I _am_ The Fifth. One more crack like that and Ibiki's going to have some company this afternoon." The three jounin's wracked their brains trying to come up with an excuse that didn't include "you gave our students free reign over a dramatic production and we don't want to be anywhere in sight when the proverbial shit hits the fan." "I'm waiting." Growled Tsunade.

Meanwhile, Shikamaru and company were (against all common sense) raiding Kakashi's house. Despite the rumours, the only perverted things in there were the bookshelves filled with Icha Icha books and plastic models, a pinup from the Icha Icha Vacation movie, and an autographed bikini from the girl her played Rulia in Icha Icha Beach Party 3. Unfortunately, they didn't find anything they could use on stage without Tsunade using Tsutenkyaku on them afterwards. Granted they were probably going to get Sennen Goroshied into the next millennium anyway, but why tempt fate?

While they were doing that, Naruto and Neji were trying to get Sasuke away from some overzealous fangirls. Word that the youngest Uchiha was going to be performing on stage, again (see Shinobi's Guide to Voodoo for a reminder), and they wanted to wish him good luck.

"Dammit! I told you we should have gone inside with Sakura!" griped Naruto. "It's all Sasuke's fault for being scared of an old woman!"

"I'm not scared!" Sasuke protested.

"If you're not scared then why are we running from your fangirls instead of inside the house with Haruon?" sniped Neji.

"They're not _all_ my fangirls. Unless I'm seeing things four of them are _yours_!"

"Who cares whose fangirls they are!" yelled Naruto; although he may have been slightly jealous that he had no fangirls to chase him. "That doesn't change the fact that they're chasing us!"

"Sasuke!" squealed the girl currently in the lead. "Since you're going to be a famous actor soon, how about autographing my bra?" She was shoved into a turnip cart by another girl.

"No way you ugly skank! Sasuke's signing _my_ bra!"

"I ain't signin' diddly!" wailed Sauske.

"This would be funny if I wasn't being chased too." Griped Neji. "Can't we just throw him to the fangirls and be done with it?"

"Only if you want to be killed by Ino and Sakura." Said Naruto.

"Damn."

"You got that right."

Let's check in on Kakashi and company shall we… Oh dear, why are they tied up like that?

"I blame you for this Kakahsi." Kurenai hissed.

"How is this my fault?" blinked Kakashi. "You couldn't come up with anything either."

"You're the expert liar, you should be able to make up crap on the spot!"

"To be fair, he's usually late to things because he's making up crap to tell other people." Asuma said. "He's probably not used to making up lies on short notice."

"Hey…" the masked jounin pouted.

"Well, well…" drawled Ibiki who appeared out of nowhere startling the three people tied up in the interrogation room. "When Tsunade said she had a treat for me I wasn't expecting you three."

"Kakashi, if we're still sane when this is over, I'm locking you in a closet with Anko…again!" threatened Kurenai.

"Now, now, none of that." Soothed Ibiki in a way that was completely uncomforting as he moved towards a movie projector. "Just sit back and relax. You're in for a real treat. I'm going to be showing you…" he flicked off the lights. "Barney's Imagination Island!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"Did you hear something?' TenTen asked Ino as they browsed the aisles of the fabric store.

"No… Hey, Hinata let's see that white cloth again."

So, yeah that's part three. What foolishness will follow? When do we get to the acting? Furthermore, will the Jounin Friends (sorry, flashback to Superfriends reruns…curse you Cartoon Network for bringing that show back from blessed obscurity) remain sane after the horrible torture that is Barney? And what of Mr. Funkychu? Oops, sorry, wrong story…eheheh… What are you staring at? (Neurolizes the readers and then Jedi Mind Tricks them into reviewing)


	4. Chapter 4

I am mortified that I actually wrote this chapter.

The Shinobi's Guide to Drama  
By Kaori

It had been two days since the eleven young shinobi went out in search of juicy gossip, props, and materials and they'd gotten everything they could conceivably need for the play save for one thing…

"Why is it so hard to find a curtain!" growled Ino.

"Without stealing one you mean." TenTen pointed out, remembering Naruto and Kiba filching one from the old Uchiha quarter. Unfortunately they couldn't use that again as Sasuke had ripped it to shreds when he was escaping his overzealous fangirls during the end of the voodoo debacle.

"So you're suggesting we steal one?"

"We couldn't do that!" gasped Hinata. Making fun of people is one thing, jacking their stuff is another.

"Why not? We're ninjas, part of the job description is stealing things."

"You're not going to steal a curtain." Murmured Neji. "Just ask Iruka-sensei for the one in the Academy meeting hall."

"Why can't we steal it?" Sasuke asked, if only to be contrary. "It would be good training for us."

"Sasuke, do you have any idea what Iruka will do to us if you get caught?"

"Sasuke-kun would never get caught!" railed Ino and Sakura. Neji rolled his eyes as the two girls ranted about Sasuke's inherent genius and that he was just jealous because he was inferior to the Uchiha. This got Neji angry and he started arguing back which goes to show that he's much stupider than everyone says he thinks he is because he doesn't know better than to argue with women. (I'll give you a moment to figure out what I just said. You can yell at me once you have.)

"Point for me." Thought Sasuke; then he blinked and whapped himself on the forehead. "Argh! I'm channelling Kakashi! Nooo!" Neji and the girls gave him an odd look.

While this was going on Naruto, Kiba and Akamaru took it upon themselves to go steal the curtain from Iruka. Shino went along if only to make sure they didn't get caught (yeah right, we all know he's a closet prankster! Shino :I admit nothing:).

Twenty minutes later, Kiba, Akamaru, Naruto, and Shino were bounding over the rooftops carrying a large, green curtain. Hot on their heels was everybody's favourite teacher.

"Get back here!" yelled Iruka.

"Konbii Kage Bunshin no Jutsu!" yelled Naruto. Fifteen clones of the boys and their baggage appeared and then scattered in different directions. Realizing the futility of chasing them now, Iruka screamed, "At least return it in one piece!" Of course, we all know that's not going to happen but it's kinder to let him dream.

Setting up the stage was a lot harder this time around than when Kiba and Naruto did it themselves; mostly because a rush job like that would not do for such a prestigious event as the Daimyo's birthday celebration. Naruto, Kiba, Sasuke, and Neji were given the task of building the stage. Sakura, Ino, TenTen, and Hinata were responsible for putting up the curtain later so they went out to get refreshments for everyone while Shino and Chouji were told to buy more paint. Apparently there wasn't nearly enough to paint the whole stage.

Elsewhere, Ibiki was just wrapping up his torture session. Making them watch the movie was mean; making them watching it a second time was cruel; making them watch the movie ten times was just sadistic. After all, overexposure to Barney can lead to insanity… or acting even more manic than Gai.

"Friends!" roared Asuma, as they left the interrogation room. "We must spread the message of caring and sharing throughout the world!"

"Yes!" agreed Kurenai, clasping her hands together and sparkling like a magical girl (I'll wait for you to get that mental picture out of your heads). "The world is just too full of wonderful things for people not to be made to enjoy it! The beauty of the world must be made known and all must learn to share in it! "

"This is going to be super-duper fun!" grinned Kakashi. And the three of them skipped off to wreak touchy-feely, saccharine havoc on the village. Ibiki watched the Barney-fied jounins leave.

"Perhaps I overdid it a bit…"

Don't you just love how you get not one, but two kinds of demented evil in my stories? How long do you think it will take the jounins to return to normal? How will this effect the play preparations? Will Tsunade regret her actions or use it as an excuse to punish Kakashi, Kurenai, and Asuma some more? This and more questions next time!


	5. Chapter 5

If nothing else, I can die happy knowing I made some people laugh for a few minutes.

The Shinobi's Guide to Drama  
By Kaori

Konohamaru and his friends were playing ninja in an alleyway instead of putting up streamers with the other Academy students. They soon would learn that playing hooky leads to suffering; in this case immediate.

It started off fairly innocuous with gentle music playing softly in the distance but gradually getting louder. The tune was just barely recognizable and it took the three children a few moments to place it and when they did, their eyes widened comically. They had to get away! They must escape!

But it was too late… Far, far too late. The poor little bastards…

"Do you hear screaming?" Kiba asked, as he was being measured for his costume by Ino.

"Forehead-girl probably stuck somebody with a pin again." Muttered the blonde.

"I HEARD THAT INO-PIG!" screeched Sakura.

"WOW YOU'RE EARS MUST BE AS BIG AS YOUR FOREHEAD THEN!" retorted Ino.

"WHY YOU…"

"EEEEP!" yelped Hinata as she was forcibly attached to her dress (I won't tell you where, I'll leave that to your depraved minds).

"Oh my God! I'm so sorry Hinata!"

"She's bleeding!" cried Naruto from his place by the prop box. "Somebody get the first aid kit!"

Off to the side, Sasuke was practicing his Orochimaru impersonation for the play. At first he thought it was a bad idea, especially since the thought of acting like the power-hungry sannin gave him the creeps. But, as Naruto had demonstrated, making fun of Orochimaru can be fun.

"Kukukukuku… I am Orochimaru the Snake-sannin. I crave beautiful young men for my harem and with all the jutsu in the world no one will be able to stop me from creating the ultimate bishounen museum! Kukukukuku!" he paused. "Naruto wasn't kidding when he said this was fun." A disturbing grin made its way across his face and then…"Kukukuku!"

Shino, TenTen, and Neji were busily painting scenery when they heard the insidious laughter but didn't say anything. After all, Sasuke was the only one who could convincingly portray Orochimaru without using henge. Tsunade had expressly forbid them from using any ninja techniques on stage and, since Neji couldn't get the laugh right, Sasuke was it.

Shikamaru, the stage director, was currently helping Shino and Chouji paint the scenery while Neji and TenTen hung the curtain.

Well, actually, TenTen was hanging the curtain and Neji was inspecting it.

"It's still crooked." He said. TenTen squinted from where she was hanging from the support beam for the curtain.

"It doesn't look crooked from here."

"But it is. It's off by seven millimetres."

"Neji, nobody is going to notice."

"_I_ noticed."

"Only because you're using your Byakugan."

"That doesn't change the fact that it's crooked."

"_Fine_! I'll adjust it!" She shimmied across the beam and fiddled with the curtain.

"Now it's too high on the right side." Neji said, deadpan. TenTen looked down.

"No it isn't."

"Yes it is, the bottom right corner of the curtain doesn't quite touch the stage."

"Nobody's going to see that!"

"_I_ can see it."

"ARGH!"

"Neji it's fine, why are you annoying her when you know how troublesome angry women are?" Shikamaru asked. Neji didn't answer him and he blinked. "You're watching her butt, aren't you." It wasn't a question.

"Quiet Nara." Said Neji.

Outside conditions was rapidly descending into the type of situation that can only be described with the words "what in the scary hell."

Magical Girl Kurenai, Super Genki Kakashi, and Care N' Share Asuma were randomly kidnapping children and herding them into a tent for the sole purpose of forcing them to sing campy songs and cheer when prompted. The first victims, Konohamaru and friends, had long since been reduced to the utterly submissive state of vegetation brought on by overexposure to the sweetness, sap, and general goody-two-shoes propaganda the three jounins were spouting. They were smiling vapidly, clapping and singing like good little monkeys…er…children; Gai would have been jealous of the sheer wholesomeness of it all.

The adults on the outside of the tent didn't seem to care. After all, what was wrong with having the kids occupied and relatively docile? One adult, however, knew that this was not right. This was not natural; these were not children but zombies. It was utterly sickening. This must not be allowed to continue, and so this lone adult went out to find the only force in the world that could stop it…

What could possibly be used to counteract absolute sweetness and light? And who is this mysterious adult? If Sasuke's playing Orochimaru then who is playing Itachi? What of the other roles? Will Neji get caught checking out TenTen's rear? More madness to come!


	6. Chapter 6

Free food is t3h win! By the way, since that shooting at the post office in California made the news, I've been hearing the phrase "going postal" a lot more often. It's been… what? Eight years since something like that happened?

The Shinobi's Guide to Drama  
By Kaori

A slight breeze was the only warning Neji got before he was unexpectedly grabbed by the wrist and forcibly dragged along at a brisk pace. Struggle as he may, he couldn't seem to get himself loose from the person's grip and resigned himself to being yanked around until he got bored or the person released him.

When they finally stopped running, Neji noticed that Sasuke had been dragged into this as well and that their mutual captor was…

"Iruka-sensei, what is the meaning of this?" Sasuke demanded, seemingly unsurprised but we all know better.

"I need your help." Panted Iruka (poor man, without Naruto to keep him on his toes his skills are diminishing). Neji and Sasuke simultaneously raised their left eyebrows. "You have to see it for yourself; there are no words for this."

The trio made their way towards the gigantic tent the crazy jounins had set up and peeked inside.

"What in the scary hell?" blinked both prodigies.

"Okay, there is that…" Iruka admitted.

All of Konoha's young children were sitting in the tent singing and clapping their hands; vacant smiles on all their faces. In the centre, Magical Girl Kurenai was waving her wand around and singing while Care N' Share Asuma and Genki Kakashi (who had somehow managed to chibify himself) clapped their hands in time to the music that had no point of origin. It was scary.

"And just what are we supposed to do about this?" Neji half-glared at Iruka. Apparently glaring and other non-friendly facial expressions lost fifty percent of their potency while inside the tent. Iruka got a very Naruto-esque look on his face and then…

"Ninpo: Angst Kai no Jutsu!"

Ninpo: Angst Kai no Jutsu (Ninja Arts: Angst Release Technique) was developed by an Academy student who was angry that all the brooding angst-ridden boys got all the girls while he was ignored. It basically forces the victim to exude and spout angst in an uncontrollable fashion, annoying and eventually depressing everyone in the vicinity. It was given a B-ranking simply because the only people that weren't affected were the user, the deaf, the blind, and the clinically insane.

No matter what universe you're in, the power of angsty teenagers far outstrips happy kiddy power.

And lo, there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth…

Back with the others, who were only vaguely curious as to why Neji and Sasuke disappeared so suddenly and where the crying and screaming noises were coming from.

Shikamaru sighed and gathered up the remaining people they could. "Since I'm the stage director I don't have to act."

"You're just lazy." Snapped Ino.

"I'll admit to that because denying it would be troublesome."

"Argh! All those in favor of making Shikamaru play Kakashi raise your hands!" Ino, Sakura, Naruto, and Kiba raised their hands. "Against?" Shikamaru and Chouji raised their hands. "Shino, you didn't vote!"

"I'm abstaining." Shino said quietly. Ino shrugged.

"Oh well, Shikamaru's outvoted anyway."

"…Whatever." Shikamaru wrote his name next to "as Kakashi" on the list. "All right, for the part of Jiraiya…"

"Me!" yelled Naruto. "I've gotta get my revenge on him for throwing me off that cliff!" growled Naruto. The others blinked at him this being the first they'd heard about the incident.

"He threw you off a cliff?" asked Kiba. "What the heck did you do to deserve that?"

"So-called training." In the back of his mind, Naruto cursed the kyuubi. Well-used (and proud of) being cursed at, yawned and went back to watching porn (actually it was the Nagging Bunny Channel but blatant lies amuse me).

Shikamaru wrote Naruto's name in the designated slot. "And for the role of…" he paused. "There's no way in hell we'd get away with making fun of Anko. Why is her name on the list?"

"Well, if we're going to make fun of Orochimaru we have to include Anko." Shrugged Sakura.

"We can always skip that part." Naruto suggested. "Anko is almost as scary as Obaa-chan."

"And yet we're still going to make fun of Hokage-sama, why?" Shikamaru couldn't follow the twisted logic.

"Because, she can demote us, she can punch us through walls, she can even assign us D-Rank missions for life, but she won't murder us in our sleep and put our heads on display in front of her house." Leave it to Naruto to put things into perspective.

"Fair enough."

All around what used to be a tent were crying children; wailing and bawling their eyes out. They had no other recourse, they'd just gone through two of the most horrible experiences in their young lives and the second seemed crueller somehow. In the middle of it all sat Asuma, Kakashi, and Kurenai; staring at the sky and desperately clinging onto their newly regained senses.

Neji and Sasuke sat nearby, completely exhausted and wanting nothing more than to beat the crap out of Iruka who had made himself scarce long after casting the jutsu.

The wailing soon turned to sniffles as the children slowly recovered from their trauma. After a while Kakashi looked at his two comrades.

"My God…" he gasped. "they're full of crap." And then he fainted.

Yeah, I totally ripped off a line from "2001: A Space Odyssey" and twisted it to my purposes.


	7. Chapter 7

For those of you who complain about the speed up the updates for this story, do you have any idea how difficult this is? Would you rather I just throw something together and hope that it's funny? Do you want to be subjected to lowbrow and substandard (i.e. below my usual standard which compared to most comedians is already sub-par) comedy? Hmm? Is _that _what you want? Is it? Answer me you curs! (foams at the mouth)

Department of Weird Shit: We apologize for the authoress' lack of self-control. The only explanation we can offer for this is her frustration at going to a job she hates every single day and being subjected to the stupidity that is paperwork.

The Shinobi's Guide to Drama  
By Kaori

It's the big day and all of Konoha is abuzz with excitement. Villagers were lined up in the bright morning sun to try and catch a glimpse of the Daimyo and his entourage. Shinobi were mixed in with the crowd to ensure nobody did anything untoward.

In the middle of the village, last minute preparations were being made. The play would be put on after the feast and followed by a fireworks display.

"I can't believe we're missing the parade." Grumbled Ino. "Why can't we go and watch?"

"We have to guard the stage." Shrugged TenTen. "The play is our responsibility so we have to make sure nobody plants anything funny in the area that might kill the Daimyo."

"If that's the case we should be guarding the fireworks." Huffed Kiba. "If I were an assassin that's where I'd go."

"Kakashi-sensei and Asuma-sensei are guarding the fireworks." Said Sakura. "We'd have nothing to do."

"Feh, like we're doing anything important now."

"Calm down Kiba, it's only until the parade is over. After that, I heard some musicians will be using the stage until it's time for us to go on." Shikamaru said.

"I hear we can't go to the feast either." Whined Chouji. "No genins allowed."

"What!" exclaimed Naruto, Ino, Sakura, and Kiba.

"Relax you guys, we're just not allowed into the main dining hall." TenTen said.

"Neji and Sasuke get to go into the main dining hall. Where all the good deserts are…" Grumbled Kiba. Causing everyone else to glare at them.

"It's not our fault the Hokage wants to show off." Muttered Sasuke. "Besides, you forget that Shikamaru gets to go in there too." Glares (with the exception of Chouji) were directed at everyone's favorite lazy chuunin.

"I'll bring you some desert, Chouji." Shikamaru said.

"What about me!" screeched Ino.

"What about you?"

The beatdown that occurred following that statement was foreshadowing of the spousal abuse in store for the poor unfortunate soul who marries Ino.

Several hours later…

The crowd gathered in the square with full stomachs and high expectations. Seating was tight and those who were fortunate enough to have homes and businesses nearby sold seats on their balconies and roofs. Windows were thrown open by those who had the luxury of watching from their bedrooms. It was to be a performance no one would forget quickly.

Kiba and Akamaru peeked through the curtain, earning Kiba a kick in the pants courtesy of Ino. "Quit it, we're going to be starting soon."

Tsunade stood in the middle of the stage looking very pleased with herself. Everything was going as planned thus far. "Honored guests, citizens of Konoha, and our most esteemed Daimyo we present for your entertainment: The March of Leaves! A play written, directed, and performed by some of our young ninjas!" Squeals of "Sasuke! Marry me!" erupted from somewhere in the cheap seats. Tsunade made a mental note to have restraining orders written up for those girls. Honestly, it was getting to be too much. Shaking her head and wondering if she was ever that silly when she was their age, the Godaime made her way off the stage and took her seat on the Daimyo's right in the front row.

As the curtain rose, the audience was treated to a mock-up of the area outside of the Hokage Tower. Sasuke (as a young Orochimaru) was standing in the middle of the stage looking at himself in a hand mirror.

"Why is it, that I who is the greatest genius in the history of the village and by far the most good-looking shinobi to grace the world must suffer these fools?" Sasuke/Orochimaru (authoress let's out the "Kukuku" she has been holding in for the last two days) said to the mirror. "But soon they will learn… Kukukuku. Oh yes…they will all learn, starting with that pretty-boy wannabe Arashi." At this point, Naruto (as a young Jiraiya) walked in from stage left wearing the traditional pimp hat (i.e. a purple fedora with a yellow band and long, black and white feather).

"Yo, Orochimaru!" Naruto/Jiraiya leered. "I have the latest issue of Cans and Jugs wanna see?" He held up the magazine which had a picture of an old milk can on the front, the headline reading "Discerning Collectors' Number One Favorite". "Or if that's not your bag, I've got Hooters, too." He held up a magazine with a horned owl on the front. Sasuke/Orochimaru never once looked away from his mirror.

"Jiraiya it's so sad that you indulge in these puerile games for the sole purpose of trying to get me to help you buy pornographic magazines." Said Sasuke. Naruto, looked annoyed.

"One of these days, Orochimaru I'll be making stuff that'll put all those magazines to shame, and then that stupid girl in the bookstore will beg me to come to her shop!"

"No, I think she'd still kick you out."

"You're just jealous because everyone in the village knows you're a nancy boy." This made Sasuke put away the mirror.

"What did you call me pervert?"

"You heard me fruit basket!"

The two get into a sissy fight (i.e. ineffectually slapping at each other in an overly effeminate manner with their eyes closed). Sakura/Tsunade finally makes her appearance from stage right. She puts her hands on her hips and sighs.

"Dammit, every day it's the same thing." She walks over to the two boys, watches them for a few more seconds, and then bitch slaps them clear across the stage.

The curtain closed for a few moments, and then opened again. The scenery was changed to the area where Jiraiya, Tsunade, and Orochimaru had their battle. Some struts were set up in the stage painted like Manda and Gamabunta.

Naruto, standing up on top of the Gamabunta mock-up, pointed at Sasuke who stood with his hands at his sides on the other strut. "We meet again Orochimaru."

"Kukuku, indeed." Sasuke cocked his head to one side. "And I see you're still a sorry excuse for a shinobi."

"At least I don't obsess over little boys." Shot back Naruto.

"What did you say, you lecher?"

"You're a fine one to talk, pedophile!"

"Gamabunta" and "Manda" move towards each other (pushed by Chouji and Kiba underneath), Naruto and Sasuke shouting battle cries and when they meet in the middle of the stage…

"That's not what happened!" yelled Jiraiya from the audience as the two got into another sissy fight (this time Sasuke was swinging his arms hoping to get "Jiraiya" in the face).

"Ssh!" said the person sitting next to him.

"Oh hell no!" Sakura yelled from offstage, and she came flying in (on a wire) and drop-kicked the both of them offstage.

The curtain closed and Hinata walked across carrying a sign that read "Prediction for the Future" and the curtain opened showing a mock-up of the Ninja Retirement Home.

Sasuke and Naruto were sitting hunched over in wheelchairs.

"Eehh…Orochimaru." Croaked Naruto. "Why you look so glum? Is it because they won't let you near the little genin boys when they come here for community service?"

"Sniping at me because the nurse slapped you for flipping up her skirt?" Spat Sasuke.

"Child molester!"

"Womaniser!" Yet another sissy fight erupted.

Sakura/Tsunade, looking pretty much the same but walking with a cane, hobbled over to the duo and thwacked them upside the head with the walking stick. The curtain closed again and out came Shikamaru.

"End of Act One." He yawned. "So troublesome." A cane came out from behind the curtain and smacked him. "Ow!" He went offstage, presumably to get revenge.

The Daimyo laughed heartily as Tsunade clutched the arms of her chair in embarrassment. "Oh that was wonderful, I can't wait to see the rest." He laughed.

"Really, Your Excellency?" Mumbled Tsunade.

"Oh yes. This is most enjoyable."

And this is only the first act. Who is up next for humiliation and… are those black and red cloaks I see in the audience? And who's that miffed-looking woman in the fourth row?


	8. Chapter 8

_Hey you, hey you. Finally you get it. The world ain't fair. Eat you if you let it…_ Damn it, that song's been stuck in my head for a week now.

The Shinobi's Guide to Drama  
By Kaori

As the curtain opened for the second act, a small boy was desperately trying to calm down the woman sitting next to him. Or so it appeared…

"Please Orochimaru-sama, you're making a scene." Hissed the "little boy", who is really Kabuto in a henge. "It's only a play!"

"I'll teach them to make light of me!" the snake-sannin seethed (ha, try saying that five times fast). Kabuto was going to say that they seem to be doing a good job of it already but thought better of it. He didn't want to be a guinea pig for another one of Orochimaru's experiments again. The last time it took him a month to stop lisping.

Hinata walked across the stage and bowed to the audience. "Act Two." She bowed again and exited the stage.

On the stage, Kiba (as Asuma) was sitting in seiza position (kneeling with your tows touching each other and your hands placed on your thighs) before TenTen (as Great Aunt Hachiko) who had a hookah in her mouth and was using it to blow bubbles.

"Tetsuya, my favourite nephew…" croaked TenTen.

"I'm Asuma, auntie." Kiba said. TenTen squinted at him.

"Oh yeah. How could I have confused you two, Tetsuya's better looking." She took a deep breath and blew out a stream of bubbles. "It must be my glaucoma."

"But auntie, you're only near-sighted. You don't have glaucoma." TenTen made a face.

"Divine Retribution no Jutsu." A washtub fell from the rigging and landed on Kiba's head.

"Ow!"

"Now what have we learned?" TenTen said, in that annoying voice adults use when they punish small children.

"Washtubs hurt like hell." Moaned Kiba.

"Meh, close enough. Tetsuya…"

"Asuma." Corrected Kiba. TenTen ignored him.

"…you're a chuunin now and with that comes a test. So it is written in the Sarutobi family scroll that 'any male member of the family who has attained the rank of chuunin must take the Trial by Water.'"

"Don't you mean 'Trial by Fire?'"

"Who do you think we are? The Uchiha Clan? Divine Retribution no Justsu." Another washtub fell on Kiba's head.

"Ow!"

"Pay attention boy." TenTen reached behind her and took out an exaggerated bong. "Behold! The Ceremonial Bong!" Ino and Sakura stepped out from both sides of the stage.

"Aaaaaaaaa!" they sang and ducked back offstage. Kiba looked around stupidly.

"This bong has been in our family for generations. Even longer than the accursed, possessed bra in the Hyuuga Mansion!"

"Who told them about the Accursed Possessed Bra?" Hiashi blurted out, causing various incredulous looks from the audience. In the wings, Neji sneezed.

"As per tradition, you must drink of the water." TenTen took out a small cup and poured the "bong water" into it. She then handed it to Kiba who eyed it warily. "Well, what are you waiting for? Drink up."

Kiba took one last look at the full cup before hastily downing the contents. "ACK. YECH! BLECK!" he complained rolling around on the ground. He flopped around like a fish out of water for a few minutes and then went perfectly still.

"Is he dead?" blinked TenTen. "I didn't think he'd actually do it.. Oh well, one less idiot in the family." Kiba suddenly sat up. "Gah! Zombie!" She looked like she was about to use Divine Retribution no Jutsu again, when Kiba jumped up and glomped her. "Erk!"

"I love you." He did a fairly decent imitation of a stoner's smile before rushing offstage.

The curtain closed on the stunned-looking TenTen. When it reopened, Shikamaru (Kakashi), Shino (Ibiki), Ino (Anko), and Naruto (Genma) were standing around looking like they were waiting for something.

"I'm so freaking bored." Ino moaned. "If that old man doesn't show up and give us our assignment I'm leaving to get dango."

"Maybe he's in a meeting." Shrugged Naruto.

Suddenly, Kiba/Asuma streaked across the stage in a pair of lime green boxer shorts.

"What the hell…" Shino started to say, but was cut of when Kiba raced back across the stage, glomped him, and exited stage left.

This continued for a while with Kiba glomping everyone at least four times. Every time one of them tried to stop him, he'd glomp somebody else. Asuma, mortified, was attempting the ancient technique of Blending with the Furniture no Jutsu; it wasn't working.

"Is that why you suddenly turned Gai on us that day?" blinked Kakashi. "Boy were you stupid. What kind of idiot drinks bong water?"

"Seriously." Kurenai drawled, then she scowled. "That may explain why Anko doesn't like you."

"Nah, Anko doesn't like Asuma because he used to steal her dango."

Elsewhere in the audience…

"As amusing as this is, I thought we came here to capture the jinchuuriki?" Kisama mumbled. Itachi tipped his head to the side.

"I only said that so the leader would let us come here. I just wanted to see the play."

"Dammit, Itachi you pick the oddest times to be sentimental…"

Well, that's the second act. Just three more acts to go, but will they be able to last that long with Akatsuki and Orochimaru lurking in the audience and a pissed off Hokage? We'll soon see.


	9. Chapter 9

I am the Borg-again Christian. Resistance to my sermon is futile. You will be baptized. Your dogma is irrelevant.

The Shinobi's Guide to Drama  
By Kaori

There was a brief intermission before the third act so that people could go stretch their legs, relieve themselves, or attempt to kill the actors. Jiraiya was trying to get at one in particular and wasn't having much luck. For the Daimyo's safety nobody except the actors and the Hokage herself were allowed to go backstage, and the only reason she wasn't is because it's bad form to kill children in front of your client during his birthday party (unless he asks you to or they are threatening his life then it's okay). Orochimaru continued to mutter ineffectual curses and swearing revenge and Tsunade did her damndest to regain her composure.

Knowing full well they were in for it once the Daimyo was gone but silently agreeing not to panic until the final curtain call (ooh, morbid theatre references).

"Jiraiya-sama is still prowling around the perimeter." Yawned Shikamaru. "Yare-yare…"

"I'll get rid of him." muttered Naruto, creating a quick kage bunshin. "You know what to do." The bunshin nodded and ran off.

"What are you…" Ino started to ask but was cut off when Naruto held up a finger.

"Just wait. Five…four…three…two…"

"EEEK!" a high-pitched voice screeched. "A PERVERT! HELP! RAPE! RAPE!"

"What! Wait! No! It wasn't me!" protested Jiraiya. Several women yelled "get him" and the next sound heard was stamping feet and pained screams.

"That takes care of him for a while." Naruto smirked.

"He's going to kill you when he wakes up." Kiba said mildly.

"He's going to kill all of us regardless." Countered the jinchuuriki.

"I thought we agreed we weren't going to bring that up."

"Oops. Sorry."

The audience settled back in for act three.

Shikamaru/Kakashi was sitting in a chair reading Icha Icha Paradise. It wasn't the actual book thank goodness, just the slipcover (Shikamaru as actually reading Treasure Island but what the audience doesn't know will embarrass Kakashi). In a great stretch of character, the chuunin managed to giggle perversely. The "tranquillity" of the scene was interrupted by someone clearing their throat, Shikamaru/Kakashi looked up from the book to see Chouji/Sarutobi looking down at him.

"Kakashi…" Chouji/Sarutobi said. "what have I told you about taking my books without asking?"

"…You told me not to."

"Then why is it, that I find you here reading my copy of Icha Icha Paradise?"

"Well, the bookstore owner won't sell me one because he says I'm too young to be reading. You won't let me borrow them and you've told me not to steal them so…" Shikamaru/Kakashi turned the page. "I got Genma to steal it for me." Chouji/Sarutobi smacked his forehead.

"Must you always find loopholes in everything?"

"I just looked underneath the underneath, Hokage-sama."

"Grr… my book if you please." Shikamaru/Kakashi sighed and handed over the book. "Thank you."

"Is that all, Hokage-sama?"

"For now, yes." Chouji/Sarutobi turned around and opened the book. Perverted giggling ensued as he walked offstage. Shikamaru/Kakashi watched him go and then sighed.

"Now what am I going to do?"

"Dynamic Entry!"

"What the hell…" Shikamaru/Kakashi wasn't able to finish that sentence as Naruto/Gai's foot came down on his head.

"Oh no! In my youthful exuberance I didn't check to see if someone was in here!" wailed Naruto/Gai. "Hey, you? Are you okay? Oh for the love of youth! I have killed him!"

"…ow. What hit me?"

"You're alive! Your blazing aura of youth must have protected you!"

"Huh? Did you say something?" Shikamaru/Kakashi blinked, looking mildly concussed.

"Ooh! What a modern response! It's so cool and yet, for some reason, it pisses me off!" Naruto/Gai had his left hand in a fist and looked like he was either going to burst into song or soil himself. Fortunately for everyone, neither happened.

"Whatever…"

"A person who can shrug off my latest super taijutsu attack must be strong! What is your name?"

"Hatake Kakashi."

"Ooh the infamous son of Konoha's White Fang! The prodigy who acquired the touted sharingan! I finally meet you! I am Maito Gai and I challenge you!" A background of waves crashing suddenly popped up behind Naruto/Gai.

"What in the scary hell…" blinked Shikamaru/Kakahsi.

"Do you accept?"

Shikamaru/Kakashi looked like he was thinking it over.

"Fine, but I choose the challenge."

"Yosh! Bring it on!"

"All right…" Shikamaru/Kakshi reached behind the chair he was sitting in and pulled out a banjo.

In the audience, Kurenai and Asuma simultaneously whapped their foreheads.

"Tell me you didn't..." moaned Kurenai.

"Okay. We didn't." shrugged Kakashi.

"Liar." Grunted Asuma.

"Duelling Banjos it is Kakashi!" Naruto/Gai pulled out a banjo of his own. Lord only knows from where though.

The musical number that followed was accentuated by various jutsus and ridiculously complicated taijutsu techniques. The audience was enthralled. And then…came the finale…

"What the fuck is going on in here?" screamed Ino/Anko surveying the destruction of the set. "What the fuck have you idiots been doing? I was having a nice nap next door and you idiots have to ruin it!"

"Ummm… Gai you win. See ya…" and Shikamaru/Kakashi ran off the stage leaving Naruto/Gai to face the wrath of Ino/Anko. The current closed on them and all you could hear was screaming and several things being thrown.

"We've been rivals ever since." Kakashi muttered.

"Kakashi you…" Kurenai started to say, but was shushed by the person behind her (who just happened to be Itachi).

The curtains were drawn back for the opening of act four. The set was a mock up of the outside of the dojo at the Uchiha mansion. Sasuke (as his younger self) was practicing his shuriken throwing. Several of his fangirls squealed, a chorus of "SShhh" erupted from the rest of the audience.

While Sasuke is practicing we hear the following dialogue, assumedly coming from inside the dojo.

"We cannot continue on like this Misao. They will find us out eventually." A deep male voice said.

"I don't care Jun!" a female, most likely Misao cried. "I love you and only you! I would rather die than live without you!"

Sasuke rolled his eyes and continued throwing shuriken.

"But, what about…"

"I already said I don't care!" Somebody started sniffling.

In the audience, Itachi was twitching. Kisame looked over at his partner and wondered if he should ask the lady in the seat next to him if he could exchange seats.

On the stage, Sasuke cocked his head to the side. The sniffling stopped abruptly. He shrugged his shoulders and went back to practicing.

"Misao!"

"Jun!"

"sniff So beautiful…sniff sniff"

Sasuke almost tripped at that last line. Itachi looked like he wanted to yell something. The sound of running footsteps…

"Jun! You bastard! How dare you touch my woman!"

"Ah! Kojiro!"

"Misao get away from him!"

"NO! I love him!"

"But you are betrothed to _me_!"

"I will never marry you!"

"You must!"

"Leave her alone, Kojiro! If you touch her I'll kill you myself!"

"Try it!" Clang! Clang! Crash! Slash! Scream.

"Noooooo!" Sasuke couldn't take it any longer, he opened the dojo door, he gasped at the sight.

In the mock-up dojo sitting in front of a television and biting a handkerchief was Neji (as Itachi).

"A…aniki?" stuttered Sasuke.

"Don't look at me!" cried Neji/Itachi, who ran off in a way that would make any soap opera star proud.

Kisame looked over at his partner. Itachi was sitting stock still in his seat, no emotion whatsoever on his face.

"Er…Itachi…" ventured the former mist-nin.

"He dies Kisame." Itachi deadpanned.

"I didn't realize…that you watched The Young and the Shuriken-less…"

"They all die…"

"Oh boy…"

In the front row, the Daimyo laughed.

Well now, it would seem that the actors have pissed off yet another dangerous person.


	10. Chapter 10

_I am special, I am happy, I am gonna heave.  
__Welcome to my happy world, now get your shit and leave._

The Shinobi's Guide to Drama  
By Kaori

Backstage…

"Brr…" Neji shivered.

"What's the matter?" TenTen asked.

"I think a cockroach walked over my grave."

"You're not dead." Naruto pointed out. As an afterthought he added, "yet".

"It's a figure of speech."

"Which one?"

"Euphemism I believe." Shikamaru shrugged.

"Oh, kind of like when girls say they have to powder their nose when what they really mean is that they have to…" Kiba started but was interrupted by Sakura.

"All right, enough." Sakura interrupted. "Sheesh, I'm getting flashbacks of Iruka-sensei's lectures."

"Damn, I was hoping we could stall a bit longer, I'm not ready to die." Moaned Naruto.

"Well, at least we'll leave good-looking corpses." Ino shrugged.

Tsunade, having calmed down significantly (three bottles of sake will do that to you) was silently plotting her revenge on Shikamaru and the genins (hmm…sounds like the name of a band). So far she had come with shoving kunai into places best left alone, watching Ibiki's vacation slides, six months of D-Rank missions and toilet cleaning duty, and making them stay in Training Area 44 with Anko. Itachi and Orochimaru were thinking more along the lines of burning the stage (and the village while they were at it) to the ground, exhuming the charred remains, grinding the bones into powder, and flushing it down the nastiest toilet they could find. Jiraiya just wanted to wring Naruto's neck; there were no doubts in his mind that the blonde jinchuriki was the one responsible for all of this.

That said, I think it's safe to say that none of you will be surprised when I tell you that, save for Tsunade, none of these people were in their seats when the curtain opened for the fifth act.

"You know, I can't help but wonder," Asuma said. "How did they find out all that stuff about us?"

"Well…Naruto was present at the fight between the Sannin so he would know about that…" Kakashi said slowly. "Asuma's great-aunt is more than happy to tell embarrassing stories about him…"

"And just how do you know that?"

"I make it my business to know." Kakashi snickered. "Anyway, Sasuke would know about Itachi's television viewing habits, but I don't know who told them all of that other stuff."

"They probably got that story about how you and Gai met from TenTen and Neji; no doubt Gai had told it to them a hundred times." Kurenai pointed out. "I'm guessing they made up that stuff about the Sannin."

"We got into _one _sissy fight. ONE! Those brats made it look like we do it all the time!" thought Orochimaru, who was two rows down from them. "The name-calling was pretty dead-on though… Damn Jiraiya, I am _not_ a pedophile." (I was going to put in a crack about a certain river in Egypt, but I decided it was far too obvious.)

The stage was set up to look like the inside of the Hokage's office. Sakura/Tsunade was sleeping at the desk, drooling and using a stack of paperwork as a pillow. Enter Kiba/Genma and Shino/Raido.

"Do you want to do it, or should I?" stage-whispered Shino/Raido.

"I did it last time." Hissed Kiba/Genma. Shino/Raido shot him a look. "Fine, but you owe me…" Steeling his nerves, he slowly approached the desk. Hesitantly, her reached out to tap Sakura/Tsunade on the shoulder. The next thing he knew, she had her hand around his neck. "Gack…urrgllll…"

"Hokage-sama." Shino/Raido said.

"Oh, Raido, what do you need?" Sakura/Tsunade asked, hastily whipping away the drool with her free hand.

"Can't breathe…" gasped Kiba/Genma.

"It's about the delegation coming from Grass Country." Shino/Raido continued.

"Go on." Nodded Sakura/Tsunade, completely ignoring the poor young man she was strangling.

"It's getting dark…so dark…" moaned Kiba/Genma.

"Apparently they're stopping here on the way to negotiations with the Raikage. "

"Wait, I see a light…"

"Hokage-sama!" Neji/Ebisu suddenly rushed in. "Jiraiya-sama is peeping in the baths again!"

"Grandma? Is that you?"

"WHAT!" Sakura/Tsunade roared, slamming Kiba/Genma into the desk, which broke in half from the impact.

"…the pain…"

"I'LL KILL THAT SUKEBE!" she jumped up and ran offstage cursing. There was a five second pause before she poked her head back in. "Genma, get me a new desk." And she ran off again.

"Hey, Genma. Are you okay?" Shino/Raido started poking him with a piece of broken desk. Kiba/Genma raised his hand weakly.

"Medic-nin…"

"Eh, you'll be alright."

"…you bastard."

Backstage, Shikamaru and the genins were preparing to make their getaway; said genius and the Uchiha prodigy were keeping watch for those seeking retribution. Naruto was already planning his escape route, Sakura was changing clothes as fast as humanly possible, Hinata had long since left for the relative safety of the Hyuuga estates, Chouji and Ino were putting away some of the costumes before they made a run for it. Shino, Kiba, and Neji were still onstage and would be the last ones to leave. If they were lucky, the jounins wouldn't decide to take their revenge until tomorrow.

Suddenly the area around the stage went completely dark.

"Is this part of the show?" questioned the daimyo. Tsunade didn't answer, already scanning the area for hostile chakra that wasn't coming from the audience. "Backstage…" she murmured. Silently signalling for the ANBU to protect the Daimyo and his wife.

Naruto wasn't sure what to think at this moment. One second he was getting ready to run, then everything went dark and now…now he was in a weird Mexican standoff with Itachi, Kisame, some woman he'd never seen before, a kid, Jiraiya, and his friends.

"How troublesome…" sighed Shikamaru.

"Orochimaru, you cross dresser!" yelled Jiriaya, pointing accusingly at the "woman".

"Stay out of my business, sukebe." Orochimaru poofed out of the henge, Kabuto did the same.

"Itachi…" growled Sasuke.

"Foolish little brother, you have gone too far." Itachi said placidly.

"Feh, I'd do it again in a heartbeat."

"This is not good." Neji said quietly.

"Damn, this is bad." Kiba muttered. "We need a miracle to get out of this alive…"

"DOUBLE DYNAMIC ENTRY!"

All eyes were on the green blurs that crashed through the backdrop and into the backstage area.

"Impossible…they're not due back for two days!" gasped TenTen.

"Fear not! Konoha's Beautiful Green Beasts have arrived!" Only two people have the nerve to say something that corny and mean it.

"Woah! Fuzzy Brows and Super Fuzzy Brows!" Naruto exclaimed.

"Damn it! It's that weirdo again!" raged Kisame.

"Eh?" blinked Gai. "Have we met? You seem awfully familiar…"

"Why you…"

They all stood there glaring (or in Gai and Lee's case, staring in a clueless manner) at each other for ten minutes and probably would have stayed like that all night if Hinata hadn't sneezed. All Hell broke loose then.

Naruto busted out with fifteen clones and went after Kabuto but it turned into a four-way fight once Jiraiya (trying to kill Naruto) and Orochimaru (intent on killing Naruto and Jiraiya) got involved; Itachi and Sasuke, intent on killing each other, simultaneously fired their best katon jutsus; Sakura, Ino, Chouji, and Shikamaru decided to take cover under the stage; Kiba, Akamru, and Shino were trying not to get hit; Neji, Lee, Gai, and TenTen were doing their best to fend off Kisame.

Kabuto and Orochimaru, somehow managed to summon a large cobra, which escalated the fight to the point where it could no longer be contained within the stage area; consequently, this caused the barrier genjutsu to be dispelled, giving the audience a full view of the battle.

Tsunade watched with increasing irritation as the group fought their way up and down the audience. Quite a few people were crushed. Kakashi, Kurenai, Raido, Genma, and Asuma unable to sit by and watch, jumped into the fight as well. In normal circumstances, this would seem unfair, but given that this fight was started by a sannin and four S-class criminals, we can safely assume that fighting fair is out of the question.

ANBU evacuated the civilians and Shizune was charged with the task of getting the Daimyo to safety. Leaving the Hokage to deal with the mess. She took a deep breath and cracked her knuckles.

What happened next is far too ugly to be put into a fic with this kind of rating so I'll just tell you that most of the males will be walking funny for the next month (except for Jiraiya who was in a coma for six weeks). TenTen, Shino, and Kurenai, who had been far more observant and ran for their lives the minute they saw Tsunade's twitching form approaching, were only slightly battered and bruised. The stage had collapsed on the InoShikaChou and Sakura and the four of them were sharing a hospital ward. The missing-nins… went missing once the debris had cleared, and Orochimaru and Kabuto were also nowhere to be found after the fact. Hinata, the only one to come out of this completely unharmed, locked herself in her room and only came out to eat.

Two months later, Tsunade called the Twelve Disciples into her office. Despite the fiasco at the end, the Daimyo actually enjoyed himself. He had written to request that they perform it for his guests in two weeks.

All's well that ends well, eh? That does it for this Guide. Can anybody guess what the next one will be about? I'll give you a hint: it involves Chapter 8 of this story.


End file.
